Well, I haven't written in a while now! I guess that isn't quite true - I've written and deleted and written and deleted... I know what I wanted my next topic to be, but I can't quite put it into words very well. I've been trying to figure out how to explain myself on a topic that I am not looking forward to sharing, but I feel like it is an important part of the story. The topic? abortion. First let me explain my views on it, and with this, if you feel differently - I am not trying to offend, just offering up my thoughts. I feel like it is SUCH a complex topic, so please bear with me if I ramble. So, I am pro-life - I feel like if a woman is mature enough to handle having sex, then she needs to be mature enough to handle the consequences. I know that this is a double standard for guys, because they can be as responsible or irresponsible as they choose and it doesn't affect their body. Is that fair? no, it isn't, but I also thought being pregnant wasn't quite fair, but that is life as a woman. I think that if a woman is raped that the choice should be hers for keeping or aborting her child. If she didn't choose to have sex, then I think it is important that she is able to choose to carry her baby. Again, this is difficult, because I believe life begins at conception, but I think it would be harder than I could ever fathom to carry a child that was the product of your rape.
In hyperemesis history, the only way to save the mother was to abort her child. The thought of this breaks my heart that so many women had to endure what I did, and on top of it the added pain of then aborting her baby. If a woman did not abort, she and the baby would not live. That is an insanely scary thought to me, had I not been born in the time period that I did, I may not be around. I had this thought also last spring when we were in Grand Turk. We were on a bus tour and saw their new hospital, it was really large and beautiful. Then we went past their old hospital, and I again thought, if I didn't live in an advanced country, I may not have survived. I am very blessed to have had access to the doctors and medication necessary to keep me alive and our baby alive.
All that being said - I wanted an abortion. This was a baby that we wanted, we planned for, we tried for, and that was not enough for me to not have those thoughts and feelings. I can't describe the deep hell that hyperemesis is, I can't even remember myself how bad it was, but when I think about not wanting to keep my baby it still brings tears to my eyes. This child was a person, he was already forming, he was already a he, we just didn't know that yet. Tad and I discussed abortion a number of times, and he agreed to go whichever way I choose. He would help me fight the long and difficult fight, or he would love me unconditionally even after ending his child's life. Have I ever mentioned that I have a wonderful husband? It was this love that he had for me that actually made me want to push through it. I knew that he would make an amazing father, and I didn't want to be the one to take that away from him. So I did not choose to abort our child, but I think it is so important to know that I thought about it, I wanted to, I said it a lot. Why else didn't I do it? Sometimes I don't know. Shame, my beliefs against it, love for my unborn child - all of those played a part. I don't think we'd be where we are today if we had gone through with it. I want to mother a child so much, but I don't think I would have felt that I had the right if I had ended one of my children's lives. I don't think that is all together rational, but I know that I would have felt an enormous amount of guilt. So many women do not have the support from their husbands, families or doctors in order to make it through this awful condition, so a lot of women choose to abort and I feel so much for all of these women. I know what it is like to be living every day thinking that THIS is the worst day of your life. I feel like I sound melodramatic, I'd probably think so had it not been me.
What are my thoughts now on abortion? I don't know. I know that I haven't walked in other women's shoes who make that decision. I hope that women won't, because there are so many amazing families waiting to adopt, but I can't judge that decision. I do think that if a woman's life is in danger that she should have that option, so should I have had that option? yes, I think so. Should the government have a say in abortion? again, I don't know. I think it would save the lives of many if there was not the option, but I know that it would still happen and be less safe. I never in a million years would have thought that I'd be a woman to think about it and consider doing it. So if you would, please say a prayer for all of the women who were not able to win the fight against HG and for their babies who were never unloved.
Below is a link to the 'In Memorium' section of the Help HER website. You can see Gabriel's square fairly close to the top, and so many other women who have lived this nightmare.
http://www.hyperemesis.org/mothers/in-memorium/
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