Again, I've been putting off writing this, but I need to get going so that I can update you all on where we are at now. Today has been an emotional day for me and I've been thinking a lot about what happened, so I think it is time. A few thoughts though first before I get back into it. A few weeks ago a friend of mine asked me if writing this was cathartic, and I said no, often it was quite hard, so she asked why did I do it then? At that moment I couldn't really come up with how to say why. So I've thought about it, and I feel like these are the reasons why - I think where we've been has a lot to do with where we're going, so I feel like if people are to know about our adoption process, it is easier for people to know our whole story. Dumb side note - I feel this way when people ask me where I'm from... I don't know how to answer it without giving a lot more information! I live in Green Bay, but am not from here So where did I come from? Well Illinois, but again, I'm not from there, I only lived there when I was in high school and college (and kindergarten!) so then people will ask where I was born, that was in Minnesota, but I didn't live there very long. So the short answer I often give is that i grew up in Iowa. So I feel like giving someone the bigger picture can show more about who I am. I am from the Midwest, but have lived in different areas and met different types of people. A few other reasons though too - for people to know more about hyperemesis. It is not common, so the more information about what it actually is the better. If anyone reads this and knows of someone suffering from it, please pass my information onto them. It is a very scary, isolating and difficult way to be pregnant, and I would love for people to know that they are not alone. and lastly, I feel that as a woman it is important for me to talk (or write) about losing a child. Especially in generations past I think it was not something that was discussed in the open and therefore not something that people going through had a lot of support with. It is such a hard time, and after going through it have found more people who had lost babies that I would have never had. I feel like in being open and honest about it, the more people will feel comfortable discussing it. So back to our history.
On December 3rd, I had a scheduled doctor's appt, at it we went through the regular things with the doctor. I showed her that - that week my stomach had really popped and I was clearly showing. She was really urging me to try to eat more, because she was afraid I would not be strong enough to go through labor. We discussed me trying to eat baby food, because I really could not handle solid foods since they were much harder (and more painful!) to throw up. At the end of the appt I got up on the table so that we could listen to the baby's heartbeat. This was the first time my doctor had not given us a little talk before hand about the baby still being very small and it may be hard to find it. Each week she had found it right away, but this time was taking a long time, and even longer... and she still didn't find it. So she decided to send us into ultrasound. I called my mom who was waiting for me in the parking lot and asked her to come in. this way if the news was bad, she was there with us, and if the news was good, she would be able to see the baby for the first time. We got in and they got me situated. We were able to see the baby on the screen, but it was different than the time before. At the first ultrasound we'd seen a ton of movement and arms and legs moving around, and this time the baby seemed to be very still. I was hoping that the difference could have been an external ultrasound vs an internal one. After taking a few measurements, the tech left the room for a moment and came back in. After she sat down I asked her if she was able to see the baby's heartbeat. I won't ever forget her words, she just said no, hon I can't. and there is no movement. At that my mom started to cry, and I just kept repeating 'oh my God'. I couldn't believe it was real. The tech was very sweet, and my doctor came in shortly after. Once she was there she was also very kind, and we asked her more of the what is next, questions. I assumed that I would have a D and C, but she said no, she was going to have me induced so that I would give birth to the baby. I had a choice of going straight to the hospital, or waiting a day and then going. We decided to go right away. I wanted to get it over with. Tad and I went straight to the hospital, and my mom went back to the house to get some things for us. She was also able to let my dad know, we were grateful that he happened to be working in town, so both of my parents were able to there. At the hospital I was once again on the labor and delivery floor. They had a section that was apart from the other rooms that just had 2 rooms behind a door. We assume that those rooms were exactly for that purpose, but they must have been pretty full because there was someone in labor next door. At the hospital all of the nurses treated me with such kindness, unlike my other visits there, this time when talking to me they'd generally lay a hand on me and offered their sympathies. They gave us a packet of information, which talked about different choices we had to make. Around town there is a cemetery that will bury your baby for free, there also was a funeral home that would cremate your baby for free. There also was information explaining that they would take pictures of the baby. They talked to us about different things such as seeing and holding the baby and what that might be like, and they encouraged us to name our baby. I didn't know too much of how I felt about seeing the baby. We knew that it had died sometime in the previous week, so depending on when could change the appearance. I decided to let Tad decide. After the baby was born, he would look and decide if it was a good thing for me or not. We also weren't certain how we felt about giving a name. Not long after getting checked in a nurse came and talked to me about how I was going to be induced. They didn't give me an IV as I imagined they would. Instead I was given pills that were put directly on my cervix. They gave them to me, I think every 2 hours, after which I would have to lay flat for 30 min. It was very painful each time they did it. In the evening my doctor stopped by. She talked about how long my labor would take. She said that they expected that I would deliver sometime late on Saturday or even sometime Sunday. She gave them orders to give me more medication before bed, along with some strong sleeping medication, and no more inducing medication through the night. She thought that Saturday would be a very long day and that I could use a good night of sleep. During this time we also started to let people know what had happened. There were some very difficult conversations, but a lot of love for us, which we appreciated. My friend Gini came to the hospital and sat with us for a while. Around bed time they came with all my medicine. This was actually the only time that I was hospitalized that I wasn't given any needles while I was there, they were able to give me things and take my blood through my PICC. I started to feel very tired, but also my contractions started to get really bad. I would fall asleep and then wake up with my back hurting worse than I could ever imagine. Tad and my parents would take turns rubbing it, and then I would fall back to sleep. Very early in the morning I felt my water break, we called the nurses but they really thought I was mistaken because it was much faster than they'd anticipated. At one point I was having a lot of pressure so the nurse checked to see how dilated I was - only 3cm. It really hurt being checked, so the next time I felt pressure I didn't mention anything to the nurses, and about 30 minutes after my water breaking - a little after 2am - I gave birth. They cut the baby's umbilical cord and wrapped him in a washcloth and then a baby blanket. Tad looked at him and thought I should as well. So we held him a little. My doctor was called in to deliver me after my water had broken, but she didn't make it in time for the birth. She did make it in time to deliver my placenta. She was worried that since I didn't need to dilate very far that I would be unable to deliver it, so we were really hoping that I could in order to avoid a D & C for just that. 30 minutes after the baby was born I pushed once and delivered. After all of that was over, we were able to focus more on our baby. While my doctor was there, she confirmed what we were already pretty sure on, that the baby was a boy. Tad and I talked some about naming him and thought through a few names. While I was pregnant, I told people (namely my boss who kept calling the baby Tad or Erika Jr) that they could call the baby Jonah - because he was in the belly of a whale. so we gave a little thought to calling the baby Jonah, then we had a thought to name him Gabriel. It was a name that we'd picked out years before, but had decided not to use. Tad comes from a long line of men having their father's name as their middle name. So for a long time when we'd talk about baby names we tried to think of a name that worked with Tad. Gabriel was the only name that we both liked that we liked with Tad as a middle name, but we agreed that neither of us was a big fan of the name Gabe. So we had decided not to use it, so that they baby was not eventually called Gabe. With that, we had decided not to give our child Tad as a middle name, so after he was born, we decided that was the perfect name for him. We were able to keep the tradition going, no one would ever call him Gabe, and it was the name of an angel. It seemed very fitting. After naming him the nurses only ever referred to him as Gabriel. It was such a thoughtful gesture to us, they made him a name card for his bassinet, and hospital bracelets that we didn't wear. We took turns holding him for a few hours. We talked to him about how much we loved him and a little bit of what our lives would have been like. He was absolutely incredible to see. Parts of him were very developed and so perfect. He had long skinny fingers and perfect little toes - I don't think he was going to look like me. He had very very blue eyes and was so beautiful. After a while my medication caught up to me, and I could no longer stay awake. So we said our goodbyes to our precious son. In the morning, I asked the nurses if I could keep the blanket that he was wrapped in. they brought in the washcloth, and I started to panic a little bit, so they went back and got 4 blankets that he had been wrapped in at different times, and told us to keep them all. They were so full of love, I will be forever grateful for working with the people that we did. while we were there, we started feeling the love of our family and friends as well. We received many calls, cards and flowers. We'll never forget the love and kindness we felt when we were at our lowest point. While we were in the hospital that time I kept having a point of grace song lyric run through my head. 'If you weep, I will weep with you - if you sing for joy the rest of us will lift our voices too' I knew that there were many people out there who were weeping with us, and we appreciated not being alone.
