a rough day

Well it has been a difficult few months here in the Halley household.  In January we took a wonderful vacation with my family.  We went down to Florida and my dad turned 60, he and my brother ran the Disney marathon and we were blessed to be able to spend a lot of time together enjoying the warmth of an unusually warm January!  The monday after we got back we found out that Tad had lost his job.  It was a very stressful and frustrating time.  Tad applied at a ton of places and was eventually interviewed by Humana.  After his second interview we were hoping to hear whether he got the job or not when I got a call at work.  I saw that it was Tad's number so I was so excited.  When I got on the phone he said, well I don't have the good news that you were hoping for and my heart sank.  Then he followed it up by saying that he'd just gotten off the phone with a woman from Adoption Choice (our adoption agency's sister agency - in Milwaukee)  and there was a birth mother down there who had picked us to be her baby's parents.  This was such incredible yet overwhelming news.  We found out that the baby was due April 30th and Tad turned down being able to find out the baby's gender.  We were so ecstatic but still feeling worried since he still did not have a job.  The next day Tad called back to give our answer (YES!) and found out that we were expecting a baby boy.  We were so excited, and Tad set up a time for us to go down there and meet with the birth mother and her 3 year old son a week and a half from then.  On Saturday the 3rd I worked and then we drove down to Milwaukee.  We got to the agency and spoke with a social worker for a few minutes and then we found out that the birth mother was not at home to be picked up by her social worker and was not answering her phone. We had a difficult day, but had made plans in Milwaukee, so we stuck around and had dinner with our friend Kellen.  I'm so glad we did too, truthfully I wanted to go home and just be alone, but being out with a friend got us to laugh and have fun, even we were down.  On Monday the birth mother's social worker emailed us and let us know that she hadn't been able to get in touch with her and that she'd called her house and been told to not call there anymore.  We had a very difficult time on Monday, but Tuesday brought renewed hope.  We got another email saying that the birth mother had been in touch, but we started to find out more information, including how unsupportive her family had decided to be.  The week brought more little bits of information here and there, and we set a new time to meet with her and her three year-old son the following Sunday.  It also brought great news of Tad getting the job that he'd interviewed for!  We had a wedding to go to on Saturday in Chicago and had a great time being able to share our exciting news with friends.  On Sunday we were up SUPER early and drove up to Milwaukee.  Once we got there we saw the social worker get out of a car with a young woman and little boy.  So we were very excited that she'd come!  Our meeting went so well, we were so thrilled that everything was looking so positive.  It seemed like the birth mother liked us and felt comfortable with us and we couldn't have asked for a better meeting.  Her son was adorable and very sweet and they had a chance to meet PJ and Colby since we'd been travling.  Then monday we found out that she'd had an aunt offer to raise the baby until she could care for him.  She was thinking it over and decided to have an answer by that friday.  A few things changed during the week and we found out that she'd have a decision the following Wednesday (last wednesday).  So we were feeling nervous but pretty at peace with things, but then we found out that she once again didn't show up and hadn't been in touch.  We tried to not give up hope right away, it seemed like things went up and down so quickly with her that we didn't want to throw in the towel, but now we sit here a week later with no word from her.  It has been a very hard week.  We are trying to come to terms with the fact that we will once again not be welcoming a baby into our home, that once again we were so close, and now we are back to waiting.  In some ways it feels like the same as last time, but different because,  the baby will still be there, just not with us.   We know in our heads that it is easier to find out now that she is changing her mind rather than after the baby is born, or after he is home with us (WI has a 30 day waiting period for terminating parental rights)  but it is hard to convince our hearts of that right now.  We appreciate people's kind words and prayers.  However at this time, I will ask that people not try to tell us that there are other babies or that we'll be picked again, or that it happened for a reason.  We know that we'll be picked again, we know that there are other babies, but it doesn't help to ease our pain of losing this baby.  Just as with losing Gabriel, we could have 20 more babies and still never have him.  Right now we are taking the time to mourn for the 2nd little boy that we will not be parenting.