A day in the life

When I think about my pregnancy lasting only 16 weeks I am shocked.  I think about 4 months ago, in February, and that doesn't seem like it was that long ago. That is how it feels now, but those weeks were the longest of my life.  I just thought I'd go through some of the day to day things that we dealt with.
sleep-
In the beginning I was able to sleep a lot.  This was comforting because I could at least feel relief when I was asleep.  I would sleep through the night and usually take a nap in the afternoon, as it wore on I started becoming an insomniac, which was awful.  The night where there was no one to talk to and nothing good to watch just made me watch the clock until morning so that someone would get up and keep me company.  I think the entire time there was only 1 night that Tad was able to sleep through the night (because I slept in the other room)  he was so wonderful throughout.  He woke up in the night to change my medication on my first pump.  he woke up to vomit in bed, or on the floor :(  he woke up to get me water or take me to the bathroom umpteen times, and I appreciated it so much.
bathing -
I was not able to bathe myself throughout my pregnancy, so that was quite the ordeal.  Tad would bathe me twice a week, once on the day that I had to go to the hospital and once on my doctor's appointment day.  It took a lot out of me each time, so I hated it.  Tad would wrap my arm over and over with press and seal so that we could keep my PICC dry, and then I'd still have to stand with my arm out of the shower.  I was so weak that it was a huge struggle to stand long enough for him to get me clean.  During the shower, I would not be able to keep from throwing up for that long, so he would have to help me so that I could be sick down the drain.  This was one of the most humbling parts of being sick - I appreciated him being able and willing to care for me, but being able to wash my hair and myself is something I take for granted.  Each time I was in the shower, my mom would take the opportunity that I was out of bed and put on clean sheets, so I at least had a little reward when I got out. 
spitting -
This was a really strange part of being sick.  At it progressed I got more and more obsessed with spitting.  I was not able to keep my saliva down, so all day (and night) I would rinse my mouth with water and spit it out.  This was my vice, and the only thing that felt good to me.  As we went on, my mom would think of better ways to handle it.  At first I was spitting into my vomit bucket.  We had a few mishaps with this method - I dumped it in the bed while Tad was sleeping - I dumped it in our chair - and a few times I set it on the floor and the dogs would start to drink it... so my mom came up with the idea to spit into empty bottles. They would line up full bottles and spit bottles for me all the time.  A couple of different nurses asked me why I did it, and I really had no answer, but after being healthy I've found that some women with HG do that.  I had no idea - and it made me feel a little more sane. 
eating -
every day I would try to eat little bits of things.  My most popular item was freeze pops.  They were so cold and felt so good on my throat.  I also liked fruit and other sweet things, but I could not keep anything down. On my last doctor's visit we were discussing trying baby food, but I was able to eat solid foods after the baby was born, so it was no longer something we had to worry about.
peeing my pants :( -
when I found out I was pregnant, I packed all my feminine products into the back of the closet thinking I wouldn't need them for a long time.  I was wrong.  When I was throwing up, most times I would also pee my pants from the pressure, so we found that if I wore pads they would absorb most of the pee, so I wore pads almost all the time. It was frustrating and gross, but Tad and my mom would probably both agree that it was better than washing the rugs and floor in the bathroom, or my sheets all the time. 
TV -
  I was able to watch TV while I was sick, which I am SO grateful for.  Some women can't handle the noise and movement on the screen, but I was able to.  I watched a lot of marathons.  Roseanne, Top Chef and The Nanny were always my favorite ones to find.  I wasn't able to read, it made me nauseous, but Tad read to me a little bit.  There were a few days that we played games.  We had gotten loaded questions not long before, and that was an easy one to play.  Over Thanksgiving, my parents, Chris and Maria and Tad and I would play it.  They would all bring chairs in and sit around the bed. 
going out -
twice a week we had to go out.  On Mondays we went to the hospital to have my dressing changed.  My mom would usually take me to this appt and we would make it in the afternoon, and then on Wednesday or Thursday morning we'd go to the doctor.  We made that a morning appt so that Tad could come along as well.  Through most of my pregnancy there was only one real thing that I craved, which was iccees.  So sometimes after the doctor or hospital my mom would stop and get me an iccee to take home. 

sorry, this is sort of a boring post.  I just feel like I've only talked about the major days and not the every day ones. 

this is how you would typically find me.  clean water in my right hand, spit bottle in my left.  hooked up to both of my pumps. it surprises me sometimes to look back at the pictures and see myself smiling.  the only reason I wanted any taken was to someday show the baby what I went through for them.  now I'm glad to have them, but they make me seem much happier than I actually was.

its been a while

Well, I haven't written in a while now!  I guess that isn't quite true - I've written and deleted and written and deleted... I know what I wanted my next topic to be, but I can't quite put it into words very well.  I've been trying to figure out how to explain myself on a topic that I am not looking forward to sharing, but I feel like it is an important part of the story.  The topic?  abortion.  First let me explain my views on it, and with this, if you feel differently - I am not trying to offend, just offering up my thoughts.  I feel like it is SUCH a complex topic, so please bear with me if I ramble.  So, I am pro-life - I feel like if a woman is mature enough to handle having sex, then she needs to be mature enough to handle the consequences.  I know that this is a double standard for guys, because they can be as responsible or irresponsible as they choose and it doesn't affect their body.  Is that fair?  no, it isn't, but I also thought being pregnant wasn't quite fair, but that is life as a woman.  I think that if a woman is raped that the choice should be hers for keeping or aborting her child.  If she didn't choose to have sex, then I think it is important that she is able to choose to carry her baby.  Again, this is difficult, because I believe life begins at conception, but I think it would be harder than I could ever fathom to carry a child that was the product of your rape.
   In hyperemesis history, the only way to save the mother was to abort her child.  The thought of this breaks my heart that so many women had to endure what I did, and on top of it the added pain of then aborting her baby.  If a woman did not abort, she and the baby would not live.  That is an insanely scary thought to me, had I not been born in the time period that I did, I may not be around.  I had this thought also last spring when we were in Grand Turk.  We were on a bus tour and saw their new hospital, it was really large and beautiful.  Then we went past their old hospital, and I again thought, if I didn't live in an advanced country, I may not have survived.  I am very blessed to have had access to the doctors and medication necessary to keep me alive and our baby alive. 
    All that being said - I wanted an abortion.  This was a baby that we wanted, we planned for, we tried for, and that was not enough for me to not have those thoughts and feelings.  I can't describe the deep hell that hyperemesis is, I can't even remember myself how bad it was, but when I think about not wanting to keep my baby it still brings tears to my eyes.  This child was a person, he was already forming, he was already a he, we just didn't know that yet.  Tad and I discussed abortion a number of times, and he agreed to go whichever way I choose.  He would help me fight the long and difficult fight, or he would love me unconditionally even after ending his child's life.  Have I ever mentioned that I have a wonderful husband?  It was this love that he had for me that actually made me want to push through it.  I knew that he would make an amazing father, and I didn't want to be the one to take that away from him.  So I did not choose to abort our child, but I think it is so important to know that I thought about it, I wanted to, I said it a lot.  Why else didn't I do it? Sometimes I don't know. Shame, my beliefs against it, love for my unborn child - all of those played a part. I don't think we'd be where we are today if we had gone through with it.  I want to mother a child so much, but I don't think I would have felt that I had the right if I had ended one of my children's lives.  I don't think that is all together rational, but I know that I would have felt an enormous amount of guilt.  So many women do not have the support from their husbands, families or doctors in order to make it through this awful condition, so a lot of women choose to abort and I feel so much for all of these women.  I know what it is like to be living every day thinking that THIS is the worst day of your life.  I feel like I sound melodramatic, I'd probably think so had it not been me. 
   What are my thoughts now on abortion?  I don't know.  I know that I haven't walked in other women's shoes who make that decision.  I hope that women won't, because there are so many amazing families waiting to adopt, but I can't judge that decision.  I do think that if a woman's life is in danger that she should have that option, so should I have had that option?  yes, I think so. Should the government have a say in abortion?  again, I don't know.  I think it would save the lives of many if there was not the option, but I know that it would still happen and be less safe.  I never in a million years would have thought that I'd be a woman to think about it and consider doing it.  So if you would, please say a prayer for all of the women who were not able to win the fight against HG and for their babies who were never unloved. 
   Below is a link to the 'In Memorium' section of the Help HER website.  You can see Gabriel's square fairly close to the top, and so many other women who have lived this nightmare. 
http://www.hyperemesis.org/mothers/in-memorium/