love and support

hello there,
  Just thought that I'd give a little update.  Not too much happening on the adoption homefront.  A lot of people have told me that I've been very patient and I don't think that could be farther from the truth.  I'm very impatient most of the time.  I think constantly about when a baby will come into our lives, and spend a lot of time missing all three of the ones we aren't having a chance to raise.  I know that we never would have had a chance to have all 3 of the babies that we have lost, but I often dream of how different our lives would be with a 2 year old an almost 1 year old and a 5 month old.  I am greatful that 2 of 'our' babies are living and we are just a couple of many that love them, but that doesn't stop me from wishing that they were mine all the time.  I have had a very hard time lately trying to keep my jealousy from overtaking me at times.  So many things feel so unfair and I know that fair has little to do with life.  I know that there are so many many people out there who have gone through so much worse who have handled things better, but for those who follow along with us, I don't try to pretend.   Last month marked 3 years since we found out we were expecting Gabriel and I can't believe that we still don't have a baby to raise.  I can't believe that this crazy journey started 3 years ago.  Sometimes it feels like just a month or so ago, but often times it feels like it is a decade in the making.  I am hopeful and often wish that our turn will be soon, but I also feel bad about wishing that.  I don't want another mother to have to go through the pain of choosing adoption for her baby - I don't wish that on anyone.  but then I'm impatient - soooo very impatient.    So other than waiting this year we decided to also work towards another goal so that we'd have something else to focus on and work towards.  We are going to be running a marathon in January!  So far it has been hard, and the last few months I haven't been doing so great, but I thought maybe letting people know will help keep me more accountable - in addition to having had to register a while back!  It has been really good overall though, it has helped to have something else to focus on.  So far I've lost about 25 pounds, one toe nail and gained a lot of confidence that I've been missing the last few years.  Also just wanted to say thanks to all who have loved and supported us so far.  Often when we are back at one of our many homes, I don't feel like going places where a lot of people will be - but when I do see people it just reminds me of how many people are rooting for us and our little family.  That is about all  :)

time for a poll!

Hello to all of those who have been reading along with us - we have a favor to ask of you - can you please help us choose a new picture for our profile?  Please look at our current photo (and those of the other waiting and chosen couples!)  and vote either below or on fb for which picture you think is the best, or captures who we are the best etc.  We'd appreciate all the feedback that we can get!  I will add a bit of commentary on each picture.

http://communityadoptioncenter.com/adoptive_families.html

choice #1 - this was taken on our anniversary last month, I like it, but am not sure that the shadow on my face is the best - and I feel like you can tell that it is a self portrait.

choice #2 -  actually taken the day before the previous one - I like that this picture is pretty recent.  I always worry that we'd get to a meeting and not look enough like our profile picture!

Option #3 - ok, so 3,4 & 5 are all very similar - none of them are very time of year appropriate (also, this can be changed any time - so if you like one of these you can vote for it to be changed later in the year) 

#4 - so what I like about these is that they are fun (?) and different than a standard photo - and show that we like to travel - but I fear that they may look a bit too casual?

#5 - again maybe too casual (woman in track suit right behind us) but I thought it'd be very different than anyone elses and we look happy I think.

#6 - this one is a bit older and my hair doesn't look anything like it does now, but I feel like we look happy in it :)

#7 - not as close up of a shot, but I like that PJ and Colby are in it and looking cute :)



#8 - this is the oldest of the pictures - so I do fear looking too young (we already know that we weren't picked at least one time because of our age)

and last but not least #9 - this one I wish that you could see our eyes, and I feel like my hair is sort of messy - but again I feel like we look happy. 

So - please weigh in, and I want honesty - if none of these do it for you just say the word and I'll go back to the drawing board.

Why adoption?

So I thought I'd take a few minutes today to talk about why we chose adoption as our family plan.  After my pregnancy with Gabriel we were planning on trying again.  We found out after I delivered that I have a blood clotting disorder.  It isn't very serious, and I only need to take precautions if I am having surgery or pregnant.  The good news is that because of the PICC line we were already taking precaution against blood clotting by being on a blood thinner - the bad news is that even with that Gabriel still died.  We aren't 100% sure that was the reason that he died, but there is a good chance.  We had testing done on him after I delieverd and there didn't seem to be anything wrong with him.  I must say that when he died everyone kept telling me to not blame myself and I didn't!  I felt like I was getting the best medical care that I could, and staying on bed rest all the time.  but after finding out about the blood clotting then I did blame myself some.  So anyways, we found out that there was some stuff that I'd be able to do to combat against that - part of which was take an insane amount of vitamins for the months leading up to pregnancy and part of which was once I was pregnant having 2 blood thinners a day (that didn't thrill me because that was the injections in my stomach)  We decided to wait and start trying in the fall.  I wanted the summer to be able to feel good and get my body back  to somewhat normal.  It was a scary prospect to get pregnant again, but we felt like it would be easier knowing what to expect.  For hyperemesis the best course of treatment is to treat early and agressivly. So we met with my doctor and got a plan together and I started taking a billion vitamins a day.  Once it came down to trying it got scarier and scarier, I kept thinking that I'd give anything to not go through that again.  It seemed like each month something came up that made it so that we didn't try - and we ended up only trying for one month.  After that month I booked a trip for Tad's birthday so we decided to wait and try again in January, and then it just seemed like there was no good time to expect the next 9 months you would be absolutely useless. We also knew that no matter what there was still no guartentees that the next baby would live.  So after a few more months of not trying, we decided to check out other options.  This was a really sad decision for me.  I had to mourn the loss of another pregnancy, of being able to feel the baby moving and giving birth with joy.  I kept thinking of the things that I would miss out on that other women got to experience and it made me so sad, but at the same time I knew that I didn't have the option of a 'normal' pregnancy, so I just had to accept the idea that it wasn't for me.  Pregnancy is still not out of the question but we know that if we have a child by another means that it will be nearly impossible for me to decide to miss out on their life for my pregnancy.  When I was pregnant with Gabriel - my mom told me that I'd need to wait until my dad retired before trying for #2 because she wouldn't be able to take care of me full time and a baby.  Luckily for me my dad just retired a few weeks ago :)  So if I ever were to get pregnant after we had a child I know that I'd have their support and care which I appreciate so much.  We looked some into surrogacy, we had one serious offer from a friend - which is so overwhelming, I can't begin to tell you the love that I will always have for her, to be willing to share your body for 9 months is not something that we take lightly.  Unfortuantely her insurance would not cover a surrogate pregnancy, and ours would not cover someone who was not on our insurance, so we did not go ahead with it. Tad and I know that we will love any child that is ours no matter if they are biological or adopted, but we would love to have a surrogate carry a child for us someday, we'd love to see what a combination of our genes would make, what they would take from each of us.  Before we had kids I told him that it would be his luck that we would have all boys, but they would end up with my super short height and zero athletic ability ;)  I am always fascinated with genetics and how people turn out different or alike from their parents or siblings, so I would love to see what type of person we would create. So now onto adoption :) Tad and I always thought that we'd adopt.  I always wanted a big family (Tad said we'd take it one at a time) A few years before we got pregnant we thought for about 2 days that we might have a chance to adopt - there was a baby that was going to be aborted unless someone wanted to adopt it.  There was another couple that we knew, who was deciding if they wanted it, and so we decided if they turned it down we would absolutely adopt that baby.  The other couple decided to go ahead with it, so we were sad, but we were very happy that the baby would live even if it wasn't with us.  Little did we know at the time that a few years later we would have fought tooth and nail for that opportunity!  We are very excited to be adopting even though it hasn't been an easy process and we are excited to meet the child that God brings into our lives.  Who knows what the future will hold as far as our other children.  Maybe someday we will have the opportunity to find someone who would be willing to carry a child for us, or maybe someday a miracle drug will hit the market and I will attempt another pregnancy, or maybe we will adopt all future children, but for now we are just hopeful that our turn will be soon.  We appreciate all the prayers that you all have sent our way.  This last month hasn't been easy, but we are trying to be greatful for what we do have in our lives - each other, a wonderful family who loves and supports us, and many friends, a lot of whom have been through a similar journey who are there to remind us that someday it will be worth it.  Sending much love to all who read and follow along with us.

These last 7 days were almost VERY different.

I'm not quite sure where to start. From late March until the end of April, when the little boy that we were hoping to adopt was due, it sank in slowly that he wasn't going to be with us, as we had lost contact with his mother. She was under immense pressure from her family to keep him, and we hope that they are all doing well. We had been waiting for about nine months when we were picked to adopt the first time. So, we wondered, how long until the next chance? Life had just about gotten back to normal (well, our newest normal, anyway), though it'd been hard seeing our other bedroom all ready for a baby each day. Last Monday, Memorial Day, we received a voicemail from an adoption social worker saying that a mother wanted to set up an appointment with us. We were very excited, but this happened to come just a few minutes before we were dedicating a few additions to a garden that Erika's parents started at their home in Clear Lake (IA) for our son Gabriel. There was sorrow, but there was also hope. Erika then called to find out more. Turns out that a mother of 6-month old girl had narrowed her choice of adoptive parents down to three couples, and she wanted to meet with us asap. We were also tipped off that she was leaning toward us and that she wanted this to happen quickly. In the previous situation, we were going to have about 9 weeks to prepare. If this new possibility came to fruition, it'd be how many days? 2? 5? We figured, no matter how it ended up, we'd at least know definitively within a week, most likely. We scheduled an appointment on Wednesday morning, and we were on pins and needles, dreaming about having a child within a week, but knowing this could be another near miss. We took time off of work to head down to Milwaukee for the meeting. On the way, we received a call from the social worker saying that the mother wanted to place her daughter with the couple that she chose that evening. (!!!) We'd thought that might've been a possibility, but figured it couldn't go that quickly. Apparently, it can. We also had found out that it was just us and one other couple (meeting with them after lunch) that she was going to meet and pick from. So, 50/50? We met with a wonderful, brave young woman and her gorgeous little girl for over an hour. Without going into much detail, it was incredible. We were thinking... "is this our daughter?" Her mother gave us every indication that she wanted us to adopt her daughter. And, I believe she truly did. Erika and I went to lunch thinking that it was probably more like 75/25 or better that we were taking home this amazing baby girl and spending forever with her versus never seeing her again. What were we going to do? What did we need to buy? (we're pretty ready with necessities at this point) We were pretty ecstatic, thinking that this was probably it, we'd be thrown into parenting immediately, and we were thrilled (and scared) to get started that night. We thought we might even head 45 minutes farther south to surprise some family members with her (they had no idea about this possible addition to the family). We'd been thinking about how she'd match up in age with our friends' children that had all been born in this past year. We strolled around waiting for the call that said either we'd been selected and that it was time to go take care of some formalities and head on home with our daughter - or, that it wasn't going to be our time again. Erika was checking the clock, and just after the meeting with the other couple would have been over, her phone rang. I was worried that this was going to end the incredible joy we'd been feeling, but was relatively confident that it was good news. Unfortunately, it wasn't the news we were hoping for. I almost couldn't believe it. Apparently the meeting with the other couple went even better than ours, and she went with them, though it was relayed to us how hard it was to decide against us. Obviously, this was a harder day for the mother, saying goodbye to her daughter (though they'll have contact, hopefully for life), but it sure broke our hearts. We weren't (and aren't) sure how to try to go back to life as usual again. At this point, I just hope for the best for that other couple that is probably overjoyed and for their new daughter. I'm so thankful to be able to go through this with my wife. We can see how hard the tough times and decisions must be on these young women that are doing it on their own. The two that we have met are very strong, but they deserve to have someone else to share these burdens. On a related note, our hearts go out to our friends and family that have had heartbreak and sorrow of many types when it comes to building families. When I pictured raising kids, I never considered it could be this difficult/sad/emotionally draining. For all of us that have had tough times like these, I still believe that the joy we'll have in the future will be worth all of it and then some. 

HG awareness day

Hello and happy First Annual HG World Awareness Day! I am so excited that there is an awareness day, and so appreciative of everyone who participated in helping with this blog entry. Today is such a bittersweet day for me. I am SO happy that awareness is starting to be spread so that more information can be gathered and a cure can be found. However, today is also the 2nd anniversary of Gabriel's funeral. We chose the 15th because it was the closest Saturday to my due date May 17th. The service was so beautiful. Tad and I are so blessed to have the wonderful Rev Ben JK as a member of our family. Ben along with most of our immediate families and a couple of friends joined us to celebrate the short life that Gabriel had and to mourn the loss of never knowing him. On the HelpHER site - they dedicated today to all of the babies and mommas who have lost their lives with HG. http://www.helpher.org/ please feel free to visit the site and see Gabriel's square. So now, onto the questions - Anne and I have both answered questions, you can find her responses in orange, and mine in blue!

What is it? - Norma - HG stands for Hyperemesis Gravidarum. HG is a severe form of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. It varies a lot on severity. For me it was absolutely awful, I was unable to keep any food or liquid down and had to have a PICC (peripherally inserted central catheter) inserted into my arm in order to keep both myself and the baby nourished.  It is labeled as HG once you loose 5% or more of your body weight, and you get very dehydrated.  Here is a link that talks more about it.
http://www.helpher.org/hyperemesis-gravidarum/

Hyperemesis Gravidarum is a pregnancy disease that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

how has having HG changed you? - from me to Anne -

 HG HAS changed me. I've come to realize that nothing worth having comes easy. That's for sure!

how did your pregnancies differ? - from me to Anne -

My pregnancies didn't differ TOO much. I got dehydrated and starved, I lost a lot of weight, I missed out on life, I had countless doctor appointments with many in the medical community, and I cried a lot of tears during my pregnancies. Its just that with my last baby I got the attention of doctors sooner, which meant that I also got medicines, a PICC line, etc. quicker than I did the first time I was pregnant. 

Is there a certain time of day that HG is worse or is it consistent all day? - Sara - Well, I don't really know the answer to that on more than just my level. It was consistent all day. Basically every time I ate or drank anything, 30 min or less later it would be coming up.  But if I didn't eat or drink anything, then I would just throw up bile, and that seemed to be the worst in the evenings. I don't know why. 

For me, the first few months of my pregnancy, HG was relentless. I threw up morning, noon and night. Then as time went on, I only threw up in the mornings. It was 5 months of throwing up every single day though!!

Where can a person who has HG find support and others who can relate to what they are going through? - Jessie On the HelpHer website!!! it is the best site that I've found as to getting info there is a section in the 'mothers' area that says volunteers and you can find other people who have been through it who are willing to be contacted - you can find both Anne and myself on there! http://www.helpher.org/mothers/get-support/volunteers/search-results.php
Its EXTREMELY hard to find support, as well as other people who can relate to what someone who has HG goes through. Its a rare pregnancy disease that NOBODY understands (unless you've gone through it yourself).

if a friend has HG, what are some of the useful ways to help them out? - Mindy -

ASK!

I know that for me, it was helpful when people brought my husband (Dave) food. Since I couldn't eat or fix food (or even stand the smell of food cooking) it was really helpful when neighbors brought over a pizza or something for HIM to eat. He was busy working and caring for me, so fixing food just for himself was not at the top of his list.

I agree with Anne, I will also add listen. I couldn't tell you how many people were like oh you're sick, you should try the BRAT diet (bread rice applesauce toast) HG is very severe and normal fixes just don't cut it. Along those same lines though, I did have a very wonderful family member who was trying to research and find and much info as she could as to other things I could try - like accu-puncture. I will forever be grateful that there were people out there that were trying to help find a solution! I would also say that HG is a very lonely experience so maybe visit the momma, however if you make the choice to visit, know that it isn't going to be pleasant! I was very fortunate to have my mom who was also round the clock care with me most of the time. It is a very lonely and isolating experience for the caregivers also, so maybe see what it is you can do for them? I really appreciated cards from people far away. I was not usually up for a phone call (not so fun to start throwing up and need to hang up on them...) and visits from people that were able to.

It is even real? - Chris
Unfortunately, YES...this is a real pregnancy disease that has NO cure.
ahh, you have to love a sarcastic brother. YES it is real, but that is a good question I guess. There are many people and health care professionals that believe that it is a psychological disorder or a form of an eating disorder. It isn't.  Things like depression and not eating are what happens because of HG, not the other way around. I am VERY lucky that for the most part people in my life have BELIEVED that it was real. From many accounts that I've read a lot of husbands just think at first that their wives aren't as tough as other women. I think that would be just awful, so if a woman says shes really really sick, it isn't because she wants attention!


Is hg genetic? If you have it with one pregnancy will you have it with the next? - Katie
that is a good question - and a tough one - so I will answer with yes??? maybe??? not positive.  lol. From what I've read from research it does seem to be something that is genetic, however Anne and I are not the best examples of that. Neither of us had a mom that had HG. Whenever my mom would come to the Dr with me, they'd always ask about her pregnancies, because they said the best predictor of you pregnancy is your mom's. My mom had 2 very normal pregnancies, she had ZERO morning sickness (and really fast deliveries to boot!) so she and I could hardly be more different. My mom's sister though had one pregnancy, and she seemed to have some of the same symptoms - not as extreme, but probably related. We only have one other female relative from my mom's immediate family which is my cousin, whose mom I am not related to, and she had no symptoms in her pregnancy. (sorry that was a long winded answer!) You will probably have it with all pregnancies. from what I've read it seems that you have about a 10% chance of not having it the 2nd time around. because of that my pregnancy with Gabriel will most likely be my only one.
I don't think HG is genetic, but no one truly knows yet. No one in my extended family has had HG. I was the unlucky one.


How do hormones affect the disease, if at all. - Jean -

What I've been told is that my babies make an ASTRONOMICAL amount of the pregnancy hormone HCG.

yes, I agree with that. Anne was tested for her HCG levels and I don't know if I was or not. I haven't ever seen the results. from what I've read women who are pregnant with girls (producing the same hormones that we have in our own bodies) or pregnant with multiples (producing MORE hormones) are more likely to experience it, but there again Anne and I are not good examples, we've had all boys!

When do the symptoms first present and how long to get a diagnosis? - Jean -

With my last pregnancy, I found out I was pregnant on June 7th, and by June 19th I was vomiting uncontrollably (and that was even with having zofran, a powerful anti-emetic in my system as of June 9th!)

I first started having symptoms (vomiting) about a week and 1/2 after I found out I was pregnant, and was diagnosed 6 days later - the first time I was hospitalized - also after having zofran for a few days by that point.

Any specialists in the US, if so, where? - Jean - As for specialists, I haven't found a medical one. I've only found one other woman who has suffered from severe hyperemesis like I have....and she's pretty special to me! (Love ya hyperemeSISTER!!!) aww, right back at you! there is a high risk doc from GB that we have both seen, so he is probably the local expert - but other than that there is a woman in CA that is running a study, so she probably is about as expert as anyone out there.

How do you know you have HG as opposed to morning sickness? If you have HG in one pregnancy, will you always have it? - Shannon
You know you have hyperemesis, instead of morning sickness when you can't keep ANYTHING down.... I would throw up sips of water, saliva, medicine, etc.

I think the jury is out as to whether one will always suffer from hyperemesis, once having it in a pregnancy. For me....I have suffered through it each and every time. However, I met a nurse in the hospital who claimed she suffered from it with her first pregnancy, but not with her second. Wish I had her luck!

I found this little graph on the HelpHer website that I thought would be a good one to take a look at. I've only come across one mention in a book that a woman had it once and not a second time. so I think there is a 10% chance of that happening. again, not really sure why!
http://www.helpher.org/mothers/hyperemesis-or-morning-sickness/index.php

Well I think that is about it for the questions and answers. thank you to all who wrote in questions, and who took the time to read and learn about HG. If anyone out there is wondering how you can help, there are a couple of ways! If you are a woman who has had 2 normal (non HG) pregnancies, and you are not biologically related to Anne or myself, you can join in an HG study. For it you will just have to answer questions and give a sample of your saliva. Another thing that you can do is donate to HG research - one way of doing so is to order a 'mommy strong' bracelet. http://www.helpher.org/about-her-foundation/bracelet-campaign.php it is an excellent way to donate and spread awareness when people ask you about it!  If anyone out there has any other questions, feel free to ask at anytime. 

a rough day

Well it has been a difficult few months here in the Halley household.  In January we took a wonderful vacation with my family.  We went down to Florida and my dad turned 60, he and my brother ran the Disney marathon and we were blessed to be able to spend a lot of time together enjoying the warmth of an unusually warm January!  The monday after we got back we found out that Tad had lost his job.  It was a very stressful and frustrating time.  Tad applied at a ton of places and was eventually interviewed by Humana.  After his second interview we were hoping to hear whether he got the job or not when I got a call at work.  I saw that it was Tad's number so I was so excited.  When I got on the phone he said, well I don't have the good news that you were hoping for and my heart sank.  Then he followed it up by saying that he'd just gotten off the phone with a woman from Adoption Choice (our adoption agency's sister agency - in Milwaukee)  and there was a birth mother down there who had picked us to be her baby's parents.  This was such incredible yet overwhelming news.  We found out that the baby was due April 30th and Tad turned down being able to find out the baby's gender.  We were so ecstatic but still feeling worried since he still did not have a job.  The next day Tad called back to give our answer (YES!) and found out that we were expecting a baby boy.  We were so excited, and Tad set up a time for us to go down there and meet with the birth mother and her 3 year old son a week and a half from then.  On Saturday the 3rd I worked and then we drove down to Milwaukee.  We got to the agency and spoke with a social worker for a few minutes and then we found out that the birth mother was not at home to be picked up by her social worker and was not answering her phone. We had a difficult day, but had made plans in Milwaukee, so we stuck around and had dinner with our friend Kellen.  I'm so glad we did too, truthfully I wanted to go home and just be alone, but being out with a friend got us to laugh and have fun, even we were down.  On Monday the birth mother's social worker emailed us and let us know that she hadn't been able to get in touch with her and that she'd called her house and been told to not call there anymore.  We had a very difficult time on Monday, but Tuesday brought renewed hope.  We got another email saying that the birth mother had been in touch, but we started to find out more information, including how unsupportive her family had decided to be.  The week brought more little bits of information here and there, and we set a new time to meet with her and her three year-old son the following Sunday.  It also brought great news of Tad getting the job that he'd interviewed for!  We had a wedding to go to on Saturday in Chicago and had a great time being able to share our exciting news with friends.  On Sunday we were up SUPER early and drove up to Milwaukee.  Once we got there we saw the social worker get out of a car with a young woman and little boy.  So we were very excited that she'd come!  Our meeting went so well, we were so thrilled that everything was looking so positive.  It seemed like the birth mother liked us and felt comfortable with us and we couldn't have asked for a better meeting.  Her son was adorable and very sweet and they had a chance to meet PJ and Colby since we'd been travling.  Then monday we found out that she'd had an aunt offer to raise the baby until she could care for him.  She was thinking it over and decided to have an answer by that friday.  A few things changed during the week and we found out that she'd have a decision the following Wednesday (last wednesday).  So we were feeling nervous but pretty at peace with things, but then we found out that she once again didn't show up and hadn't been in touch.  We tried to not give up hope right away, it seemed like things went up and down so quickly with her that we didn't want to throw in the towel, but now we sit here a week later with no word from her.  It has been a very hard week.  We are trying to come to terms with the fact that we will once again not be welcoming a baby into our home, that once again we were so close, and now we are back to waiting.  In some ways it feels like the same as last time, but different because,  the baby will still be there, just not with us.   We know in our heads that it is easier to find out now that she is changing her mind rather than after the baby is born, or after he is home with us (WI has a 30 day waiting period for terminating parental rights)  but it is hard to convince our hearts of that right now.  We appreciate people's kind words and prayers.  However at this time, I will ask that people not try to tell us that there are other babies or that we'll be picked again, or that it happened for a reason.  We know that we'll be picked again, we know that there are other babies, but it doesn't help to ease our pain of losing this baby.  Just as with losing Gabriel, we could have 20 more babies and still never have him.  Right now we are taking the time to mourn for the 2nd little boy that we will not be parenting. 

The best thing about hyperemesis...

     I must say that there is not much that is good about hyperemesis. Looking back I am able to appreciate some things about it.  Mainly how the people in my life responded.  I will never forget the love and support of my husband, and I will never forget how my mom left her real life and came to live with us.  Another thing I am hugely greatful for is some amazing people that I have met because of it.  Right after going through it all I was able to read a lot of stories of baby loss, and I was able to read some stories of hyperemesis, but never did I come across someone who could relate to both.  I prayed that there not ever be another woman like me who went through both HG and the loss of their baby, but if there was someone who had to be like me, that I could please meet her.
   In July of 2010 - Tad and I were trying to get prepared to go through it all again (I will go more into that at another time) and I was scared.  I kept wondering how women went through it another time, and I kept wondering how I could go through with it.  One day I was looking at my favorite HG website http://www.hyperemesis.org/  and found a list of volunteers.  They were all women who'd gone through HG.  The site listed their name, where they were from and what meds they'd received (I am now listed as a volunteer myself - so you can find me on there!) So I chose 3 people to write to.  I choose 1 near Milwaukee because she had had multiple pregnancies, I chose one in I think Washington State because she'd tried accu-pressure, something I was thinking about for my next go round, and I chose 1 in Stevens Point WI, because she was the closest person to me that had also had a PICC line, so I figured we'd be fairly similar in how bad it got. To each of the women I wrote about my experience and losing Gabriel, and asked about trying again.  The accu-pressure woman never wrote me back, the Milwaukee woman wrote with all these technical things to talk to my doctor about and all sorts of stuff like that - which answered my question technically, but I was wanting a more emotional response.  I basically wanted to ask these women how did you have the balls to go through it again?  The third response was from Anne, she was in SP - and was writing while she was pregnant with her second child. Her first child was a very healthy little boy! She wrote that so far her 2nd hadn't been as bad, she did have to have a PICC, but at that point she was starting to be able to eat some.  Not long after she wrote my grandma passed away so we went down to Alabama for her funeral.  While we were there, I got another email from Anne, this one said that she now knew why she had started to feel better, she had also lost her baby.   I was so incredibly sad for her.  We wrote back and forth a few times in the coming weeks and then decided to meet.  we both went to Appleton and had lunch - I was nervous about how it would go, as many of you know I was not blessed with the gene that the rest of my family has to be able to make conversation with anyone I meet!  But I couldn't believe how easy it was to talk to her.  We talked about our family history (neither had HG run in the family), our pregnancies and the horrific things we had to go through, how our husbands handled things, the babies that we lost and our futures.  It was so wonderful to meet someone who just knew.  I know that there are many out there that were there for me, but to find someone who also lived it day in and day out has been one of the greatest blessings to me.  After lunch we drove over to the mall and sat in Gloria Jeans for the rest of the afternoon and just talked some more.  After that we continued to keep in touch, we were able to meet for dinner another time,  and a month or so later Tad and I drove over to SP and were able to meet her husband and son also.  Anne has been an incredible source of strength for me.  She is one of the very bravest women that I know and I am so fortunate to have her friendship.  This summer she coined the phrase 'hyperemesister' and I could not be happier to have the most incredible hyperemesister a girl could hope for. Currently she is in the home stretch of being pregnant with her 3rd baby and I am so happy for her.  This one was again a very difficult pregnancy and it has been amazing to see her strength in going through it again. I am so looking forward to February and seeing the incredible miracle that she has made.  She is most definitely the best part of hyperemesis.

grief

Following the birth of Gabriel - I was encouraged by my doctor to allow myself to grieve, and I really did that.  It was such a difficult time.  I really thought that it would be a joyful day when I could return my medicine pumps, a joyful day when I first didn't throw up, and a joyful day when I could eat.  Unfortunately those things only caused more sadness.  I was finally starting to feel better, but only at the expense of my son.  We were really surrounded with love from so many, which was our only comfort.  I had a doctor's appt a few days later to see how I was doing.  My doctor really didn't talk much to me, but asked Tad and my mom a lot about my mental state - whether or not I wanted to hurt myself or anyone else.  She also realized that I had an infection starting in my PICC site, so I would have it out sooner rather than later.  During all of this my doctor and the social worker at the hospital told me a lot to not blame myself, which I really didn't (and wouldn't until a while later) I knew that I was getting all the help I could from my doctors, and I was doing everything I could - so I didn't feel like I had done anything that had caused him to die.  Our pastor came over to our house and talked to us about blaming God - which we didn't do either.  I feel that God knew that he would die, but wouldn't cause such pain to anyone.  It was a confusing time, I really didn't know what to think or do.  I did allow my grief however it came though.  I cried a lot, I did a ton of research in the following weeks since I was finally well enough to get on the computer.  I read about miscarrying late in a pregnancy, I read a TON about hyperemesis, and I read a lot about future pregnancies.  It helped to read other women's accounts, it was hard, but I felt less alone.  One thing that I was very surprised by was how much people pushed me to get medicinal help.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with anti-depressants, but there is also nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel very real pain.  I was just shocked at how many people, doctors and friends a like that seemed so quick to try to numb the pain.  It sucked to go through, but I didn't feel any need to try to cover up my feelings, or try to make myself feel better.  I felt that it was better to allow myself to just feel then as it was happening than try to suppress it.  I talked to Tad about it and we decided that if I was still feeling just as awful in 6 months, we would revisit the subject.  I feel like it is hard to describe how I felt.  The best way I feel that I can is a stupid example, but that is ok. (non Harry Potter fans - you will probably have to ignore this) I felt that I was like Voldemort and my soul and been split and a part of it died with Gabriel.  I feel like people were expecting me to get 'back to normal'  but there is a new normal now, I will forever be apart from my son in this lifetime, so I will never be whole again.  and that is ok.  I am used to the new me now - new me isn't so bad most days, more calm, more patient, sadder, but I think I will appreciate motherhood more than I would have.  Below are some pictures that I haven't added yet.  These are pictures that my mom took of Tad changing my TPN one night.  If anyone needs a good nurse, I can recommend one.

My daily injection of blood thinners - not my favorite time of day

icing my belly for the shot.  it is kind of a gross picture because you can see all of the hair that grew on my belly.  I was afraid that it wouldn't go away, but it did.

pinching my stomach so that it would hurt less

can't believe that I had to get used to that.

Tad disinfecting the bathroom to get my TPN ready

this was how I took my prenatal vitamins.  I am told they were very hard to get out of the little jars, but I never tried it myself

injecting the vitamins into my bag of 'food'

getting the tubing ready

running the TPN through the tubing so that it didn't send any air bubbles into me

switching out the bags.  One bag lasted 24 hours, so it had to be done at the same time every day. 

these next few are pretty unattractive, but I can't tell you how much I didn't care at the time.  this was getting my line flushed.  it was pretty gross - Tad sent saline through and it tasted like disinfectant in my mouth each time.  In this picture I was already disconnected from my medication, so you can see my other lumen where it was hooked up.  Also my bandage in these pictures is strange because i had a yeast infection developing in my arm.

getting all hooked up, and still spitting.  that was another thing that I wasn't sure would ever go away, but now I only spit in the mornings.  The rest of the day I can stay pretty normal.

December 3rd & 4th

Again, I've been putting off writing this, but I need to get going so that I can update you all on where we are at now.  Today has been an emotional day for me and I've been thinking a lot about what happened, so I think it is time.  A few thoughts though first before I get back into it.  A few weeks ago a friend of mine asked me if writing this was cathartic, and I said no, often it was quite hard, so she asked why did I do it then?  At that moment I couldn't really come up with how to say why. So I've thought about it, and I feel like these are the reasons why - I think where we've been has a lot to do with where we're going, so I feel like if people are to know about our adoption process, it is easier for people to know our whole story.  Dumb side note - I feel this way when people ask me where I'm from... I don't know how to answer it without giving a lot more information!  I live in Green Bay, but am not from here  So where did I come from?  Well Illinois, but again, I'm not from there, I only lived there when I was in high school and college (and kindergarten!) so then people will ask where I was born, that was in Minnesota, but I didn't live there very long. So the short answer I often give is that i grew up in Iowa.  So I feel like giving someone the bigger picture can show more about who I am.  I am from the Midwest, but have lived in different areas and met different types of people.  A few other reasons though too - for people to know more about hyperemesis.  It is not common, so the more information about what it actually is the better.  If anyone reads this and knows of someone suffering from it, please pass my information onto them.  It is a very scary, isolating and difficult way to be pregnant, and I would love for people to know that they are not alone.  and lastly, I feel that as a woman it is important for me to talk (or write)  about losing a child. Especially in generations past I think it was not something that was discussed in the open and therefore not something that people going through had a lot of support with.  It is such a hard time, and after going through it have found more people who had lost babies that I would have never had.  I feel like in being open and honest about it, the more people will feel comfortable discussing it.   So back to our history.
    On December 3rd, I had a scheduled doctor's appt, at it we went through the regular things with the doctor.  I showed her that - that week my stomach had really popped and I was clearly showing.  She was really urging me to try to eat more, because she was afraid I would not be strong enough to go through labor.  We discussed me trying to eat baby food, because I really could not handle solid foods since they were much harder (and more painful!) to throw up.  At the end of the appt I got up on the table so that we could listen to the baby's heartbeat.  This was the first time my doctor had not given us a little talk before hand about the baby still being very small and it may be hard to find it.  Each week she had found it right away, but this time was taking a long time, and even longer... and she still didn't find it.  So she decided to send us into ultrasound.  I called my mom who was waiting for me in the parking lot and asked her to come in.  this way if the news was bad, she was there with us, and if the news was good, she would be able to see the baby for the first time.  We got in and they got me situated.  We were able to see the baby on the screen, but it was different than the time before.  At the first ultrasound we'd seen a ton of movement and arms and legs moving around, and this time the baby seemed to be very still.  I was hoping that the difference could have been an external ultrasound vs an internal one.  After taking a few measurements, the tech left the room for a moment and came back in.  After she sat down I asked her if she was able to see the baby's heartbeat.  I won't ever forget her words, she just said    no, hon I can't.  and there is no movement.     At that my mom started to cry, and I just kept repeating 'oh my God'.  I couldn't believe it was real.  The tech was very sweet, and my doctor came in shortly after.  Once she was there she was also very kind, and we asked her more of the what is next, questions.  I assumed that I would have a D and C, but she said no, she was going to have me induced so that I would give birth to the baby.  I had a choice of going straight to the hospital, or waiting a day and then going.  We decided to go right away.  I wanted to get it over with.  Tad and I went straight to the hospital, and my mom went back to the house to get some things for us.  She was also able to let my dad know, we were grateful that he happened to be working in town, so both of my parents were able to there.  At the hospital I was once again on the labor and delivery floor.  They had a section that was apart from the other rooms that just had 2 rooms behind a door.  We assume that those rooms were exactly for that purpose, but they must have been pretty full because there was someone in labor next door.     At the hospital all of the nurses treated me with such kindness, unlike my other visits there, this time when talking to me they'd generally lay a hand on me and offered their sympathies.  They gave us a packet of information, which talked about different choices we had to make.  Around town there is a cemetery that will bury your baby for free, there also was a funeral home that would cremate your baby for free.  There also was information explaining that they would take pictures of the baby.  They talked to us about different things such as seeing and holding the baby and what that might be like, and they encouraged us to name our baby.  I didn't know too much of how I felt about seeing the baby.  We knew that it had died sometime in the previous week, so depending on when could change the appearance.  I decided to let Tad decide.  After the baby was born, he would look and decide if it was a good thing for me or not.  We also weren't certain how we felt about giving a name.   Not long after getting checked in a nurse came and talked to me about how I was going to be induced.  They didn't give me an IV as I imagined they would.  Instead I was given pills that were put directly on my cervix.  They gave them to me, I think every 2 hours, after which I would have to lay flat for 30 min.  It was very painful each time they did it.  In the evening my doctor stopped by.  She talked about how long my labor would take.  She said that they expected that I would deliver sometime late on Saturday or even sometime Sunday.  She gave them orders to give me more medication before bed, along with some strong sleeping medication, and no more inducing medication through the night.  She thought that Saturday would be a very long day and that I could use a good night of sleep. During this time we also started to let people know what had happened.  There were some very difficult conversations, but a lot of love for us, which we appreciated.  My friend Gini came to the hospital and sat with us for a while.  Around bed time they came with all my medicine.  This was actually the only time that I was hospitalized that I wasn't given any needles while I was there, they were able to give me things and take my blood through my PICC.  I started to feel very tired, but also my contractions started to get really bad.  I would fall asleep and then wake up with my back hurting worse than I could ever imagine.  Tad and my parents would take turns rubbing it, and then I would fall back to sleep.  Very early in the morning I felt my water break, we called the nurses but they really thought I was mistaken because it was much faster than they'd anticipated.  At one point I was having a lot of pressure so the nurse checked to see how dilated I was - only 3cm.  It really hurt being checked, so the next time I felt pressure I didn't mention anything to the nurses, and about 30 minutes after my water breaking - a little after 2am - I gave birth.  They cut the baby's umbilical cord and wrapped him in a washcloth and then a baby blanket.  Tad looked at him and thought I should as well.  So we held him a little.  My doctor was called in to deliver me after my water had broken, but she didn't make it in time for the birth.  She did make it in time to deliver my placenta.  She was worried that since I didn't need to dilate very far that I would be unable to deliver it, so we were really hoping that I could in order to avoid a D & C for just that.  30 minutes after the baby was born I pushed once and delivered.  After all of that was over, we were able to focus more on our baby.  While my doctor was there, she confirmed what we were already pretty sure on, that the baby was a boy.  Tad and I talked some about naming him and thought through a few names.  While I was pregnant, I told people (namely my boss who kept calling the baby Tad or Erika Jr) that they could call the baby Jonah - because he was in the belly of a whale.  so we gave a little thought to calling the baby Jonah, then we had a thought to name him Gabriel.  It was a name that we'd picked out years before, but had decided not to use.  Tad comes from a long line of men having their father's name as their middle name.  So for a long time when we'd talk about baby names we tried to think of a name that worked with Tad.  Gabriel was the only name that we both liked that we liked with Tad as a middle name, but we agreed that neither of us was a big fan of the name Gabe.  So we had decided not to use it, so that they baby was not eventually called Gabe.  With that, we had decided not to give our child Tad as a middle name, so after he was born, we decided that was the perfect name for him.  We were able to keep the tradition going, no one would ever call him Gabe, and it was the name of an angel.  It seemed very fitting.  After naming him the nurses only ever referred to him as Gabriel.  It was such a thoughtful gesture to us, they made him a name card for his bassinet, and hospital bracelets that we didn't wear.  We took turns holding him for a few hours.  We talked to him about how much we loved him and a little bit of what our lives would have been like.  He was absolutely incredible to see.  Parts of him were very developed and so perfect.  He had long skinny fingers and perfect little toes - I don't think he was going to look like me.  He had very very blue eyes and was so beautiful.  After a while my medication caught up to me, and I could no longer stay awake.  So we said our goodbyes to our precious son.  In the morning, I asked the nurses if I could keep the blanket that he was wrapped in.  they brought in the washcloth, and I started to panic a little bit, so they went back and got 4 blankets that he had been wrapped in at different times, and told us to keep them all.  They were so full of love, I will be forever grateful for working with the people that we did.  while we were there, we started feeling the love of our family and friends as well.  We received many calls, cards and flowers.  We'll never forget the love and kindness we felt when we were at our lowest point.  While we were in the hospital that time I kept having a point of grace song lyric run through my head.  'If you weep, I will weep with you - if you sing for joy the rest of us will lift our voices too'  I knew that there were many people out there who were weeping with us, and we appreciated not being alone. 

A day in the life

When I think about my pregnancy lasting only 16 weeks I am shocked.  I think about 4 months ago, in February, and that doesn't seem like it was that long ago. That is how it feels now, but those weeks were the longest of my life.  I just thought I'd go through some of the day to day things that we dealt with.
sleep-
In the beginning I was able to sleep a lot.  This was comforting because I could at least feel relief when I was asleep.  I would sleep through the night and usually take a nap in the afternoon, as it wore on I started becoming an insomniac, which was awful.  The night where there was no one to talk to and nothing good to watch just made me watch the clock until morning so that someone would get up and keep me company.  I think the entire time there was only 1 night that Tad was able to sleep through the night (because I slept in the other room)  he was so wonderful throughout.  He woke up in the night to change my medication on my first pump.  he woke up to vomit in bed, or on the floor :(  he woke up to get me water or take me to the bathroom umpteen times, and I appreciated it so much.
bathing -
I was not able to bathe myself throughout my pregnancy, so that was quite the ordeal.  Tad would bathe me twice a week, once on the day that I had to go to the hospital and once on my doctor's appointment day.  It took a lot out of me each time, so I hated it.  Tad would wrap my arm over and over with press and seal so that we could keep my PICC dry, and then I'd still have to stand with my arm out of the shower.  I was so weak that it was a huge struggle to stand long enough for him to get me clean.  During the shower, I would not be able to keep from throwing up for that long, so he would have to help me so that I could be sick down the drain.  This was one of the most humbling parts of being sick - I appreciated him being able and willing to care for me, but being able to wash my hair and myself is something I take for granted.  Each time I was in the shower, my mom would take the opportunity that I was out of bed and put on clean sheets, so I at least had a little reward when I got out. 
spitting -
This was a really strange part of being sick.  At it progressed I got more and more obsessed with spitting.  I was not able to keep my saliva down, so all day (and night) I would rinse my mouth with water and spit it out.  This was my vice, and the only thing that felt good to me.  As we went on, my mom would think of better ways to handle it.  At first I was spitting into my vomit bucket.  We had a few mishaps with this method - I dumped it in the bed while Tad was sleeping - I dumped it in our chair - and a few times I set it on the floor and the dogs would start to drink it... so my mom came up with the idea to spit into empty bottles. They would line up full bottles and spit bottles for me all the time.  A couple of different nurses asked me why I did it, and I really had no answer, but after being healthy I've found that some women with HG do that.  I had no idea - and it made me feel a little more sane. 
eating -
every day I would try to eat little bits of things.  My most popular item was freeze pops.  They were so cold and felt so good on my throat.  I also liked fruit and other sweet things, but I could not keep anything down. On my last doctor's visit we were discussing trying baby food, but I was able to eat solid foods after the baby was born, so it was no longer something we had to worry about.
peeing my pants :( -
when I found out I was pregnant, I packed all my feminine products into the back of the closet thinking I wouldn't need them for a long time.  I was wrong.  When I was throwing up, most times I would also pee my pants from the pressure, so we found that if I wore pads they would absorb most of the pee, so I wore pads almost all the time. It was frustrating and gross, but Tad and my mom would probably both agree that it was better than washing the rugs and floor in the bathroom, or my sheets all the time. 
TV -
  I was able to watch TV while I was sick, which I am SO grateful for.  Some women can't handle the noise and movement on the screen, but I was able to.  I watched a lot of marathons.  Roseanne, Top Chef and The Nanny were always my favorite ones to find.  I wasn't able to read, it made me nauseous, but Tad read to me a little bit.  There were a few days that we played games.  We had gotten loaded questions not long before, and that was an easy one to play.  Over Thanksgiving, my parents, Chris and Maria and Tad and I would play it.  They would all bring chairs in and sit around the bed. 
going out -
twice a week we had to go out.  On Mondays we went to the hospital to have my dressing changed.  My mom would usually take me to this appt and we would make it in the afternoon, and then on Wednesday or Thursday morning we'd go to the doctor.  We made that a morning appt so that Tad could come along as well.  Through most of my pregnancy there was only one real thing that I craved, which was iccees.  So sometimes after the doctor or hospital my mom would stop and get me an iccee to take home. 

sorry, this is sort of a boring post.  I just feel like I've only talked about the major days and not the every day ones. 

this is how you would typically find me.  clean water in my right hand, spit bottle in my left.  hooked up to both of my pumps. it surprises me sometimes to look back at the pictures and see myself smiling.  the only reason I wanted any taken was to someday show the baby what I went through for them.  now I'm glad to have them, but they make me seem much happier than I actually was.

its been a while

Well, I haven't written in a while now!  I guess that isn't quite true - I've written and deleted and written and deleted... I know what I wanted my next topic to be, but I can't quite put it into words very well.  I've been trying to figure out how to explain myself on a topic that I am not looking forward to sharing, but I feel like it is an important part of the story.  The topic?  abortion.  First let me explain my views on it, and with this, if you feel differently - I am not trying to offend, just offering up my thoughts.  I feel like it is SUCH a complex topic, so please bear with me if I ramble.  So, I am pro-life - I feel like if a woman is mature enough to handle having sex, then she needs to be mature enough to handle the consequences.  I know that this is a double standard for guys, because they can be as responsible or irresponsible as they choose and it doesn't affect their body.  Is that fair?  no, it isn't, but I also thought being pregnant wasn't quite fair, but that is life as a woman.  I think that if a woman is raped that the choice should be hers for keeping or aborting her child.  If she didn't choose to have sex, then I think it is important that she is able to choose to carry her baby.  Again, this is difficult, because I believe life begins at conception, but I think it would be harder than I could ever fathom to carry a child that was the product of your rape.
   In hyperemesis history, the only way to save the mother was to abort her child.  The thought of this breaks my heart that so many women had to endure what I did, and on top of it the added pain of then aborting her baby.  If a woman did not abort, she and the baby would not live.  That is an insanely scary thought to me, had I not been born in the time period that I did, I may not be around.  I had this thought also last spring when we were in Grand Turk.  We were on a bus tour and saw their new hospital, it was really large and beautiful.  Then we went past their old hospital, and I again thought, if I didn't live in an advanced country, I may not have survived.  I am very blessed to have had access to the doctors and medication necessary to keep me alive and our baby alive. 
    All that being said - I wanted an abortion.  This was a baby that we wanted, we planned for, we tried for, and that was not enough for me to not have those thoughts and feelings.  I can't describe the deep hell that hyperemesis is, I can't even remember myself how bad it was, but when I think about not wanting to keep my baby it still brings tears to my eyes.  This child was a person, he was already forming, he was already a he, we just didn't know that yet.  Tad and I discussed abortion a number of times, and he agreed to go whichever way I choose.  He would help me fight the long and difficult fight, or he would love me unconditionally even after ending his child's life.  Have I ever mentioned that I have a wonderful husband?  It was this love that he had for me that actually made me want to push through it.  I knew that he would make an amazing father, and I didn't want to be the one to take that away from him.  So I did not choose to abort our child, but I think it is so important to know that I thought about it, I wanted to, I said it a lot.  Why else didn't I do it? Sometimes I don't know. Shame, my beliefs against it, love for my unborn child - all of those played a part. I don't think we'd be where we are today if we had gone through with it.  I want to mother a child so much, but I don't think I would have felt that I had the right if I had ended one of my children's lives.  I don't think that is all together rational, but I know that I would have felt an enormous amount of guilt.  So many women do not have the support from their husbands, families or doctors in order to make it through this awful condition, so a lot of women choose to abort and I feel so much for all of these women.  I know what it is like to be living every day thinking that THIS is the worst day of your life.  I feel like I sound melodramatic, I'd probably think so had it not been me. 
   What are my thoughts now on abortion?  I don't know.  I know that I haven't walked in other women's shoes who make that decision.  I hope that women won't, because there are so many amazing families waiting to adopt, but I can't judge that decision.  I do think that if a woman's life is in danger that she should have that option, so should I have had that option?  yes, I think so. Should the government have a say in abortion?  again, I don't know.  I think it would save the lives of many if there was not the option, but I know that it would still happen and be less safe.  I never in a million years would have thought that I'd be a woman to think about it and consider doing it.  So if you would, please say a prayer for all of the women who were not able to win the fight against HG and for their babies who were never unloved. 
   Below is a link to the 'In Memorium' section of the Help HER website.  You can see Gabriel's square fairly close to the top, and so many other women who have lived this nightmare. 
http://www.hyperemesis.org/mothers/in-memorium/

Back to the story

So to get back to the story of being pregnant.  The pump was a miracle for a couple of weeks, my mom was with me at first so before I went back to work she helped me shop for maternity pants, I wasn't showing yet, but I needed looser pants to allow my site to not be bumped all the time.  Things went really well at first, I could eat normally and I was able to go back to work.  I only worked for a few days - it feels like longer, but I was just figuring out dates, and it was probably only about a week, and then I started throwing up again.  I again stopped being able to keep anything down, and based on my weight and dehydration, they sent a nurse out to my house to put in an IV.  I had a few issues with it flowing fast enough, but it stabilized me a little bit.  A day later, I had my weekly doctor's appointment.  I did find that when most patients are pregnant women, they don't want a sick person, especially one toting their own IV pole to sit in the waiting room long, so I was seen almost immediately.  At this appointment, I had my first ultrasound.  With a lot of hyperemesis patients they are carrying multiples, so my doctor wanted to check that out  (also a side note -  people with HG are more likely to be carrying a girl).  They did determine that there was for sure only one baby in there and it was really incredible to see it moving around so much.  I didn't enjoy it as much as I wish I would have though, because I already knew I was going to be hospitalized again.  This doctor's appointment was kind of scary, my doctor talked about the possibility of getting a tube inserted so that the baby and I could get the nutrition that we needed.  She also decided that my situation was now more serious than what she dealt with.  I still saw her weekly for my appointments, but all the decisions were now being made by a high risk doctor.  It did impress me that she turned me over to someone else and I trusted her more.  So again we went straight from the doctor's office to be checked into the hospital.  At the hospital I was on the maternity floor, then because of overcrowding up there, right before night I was shifted down to pediatrics.  My new doctor came in and told me that I would be having the tube inserted.  He explained it some, it was called a PICC line - PICC stands for peripherally inserted central catheter - and I'd get it the next day.  This visit was a difficult one, I was given Reglan a lot, which we figured out makes me feel like my skin is crawling.  It gave me the jitters, and I wanted to walk and not be still, but was too weak to do so.  I'd guess that I told Tad I wanted to go home about 100 times or so.  The pediatric nurses were really wonderful to me, there was no one else on the floor, so I had their undivided attention.  When Tad had to go home to let the dogs out and get our things for the night, they put me in a rocking chair with a really warm blanket so that I could get some of my jitters out.  After that when it was time to get my meds, they would give me benedryl first, to calm me down - which really worked but it was REALLY painful.  It would burn my veins and I could feel it as it traveled up my arm.  I hated it, but I was glad for more calm and less freaking out.  The next day I would get my PICC, and my parents came up for it.  I was very scared to get it put in, so the nurse that would administer it called me in the morning to talk me through what she would do and tried to put me at ease.  It didn't really work, but I appreciated her kindness and thoughtfulness.  Getting a PICC is a sterile procedure, so only Tad could stay in the room with me.  The nurse strapped my arm down to a table (not a good feeling) and got it put in.  She was incredibly kind and told me that she'd tell me what she was doing at each step - I told her, no thanks.  First she numbed my arm with a painful burning shot, then cut my skin open a little bit to be able to thread the catheter into my vein.  It went up into my right arm, and stopped just above my heart.  The procedure went well, it was not nearly as bad as I would have guessed.  My PICC had 2 'ports' on it, so I was able to get fed through one of them and could get medication and my blood drawn through the other.  They kept telling me how nice it was going to be that I could get blood drawn this way and they didn't have to stick me.  the bad news was that a PICC makes you more likely to devlope a blood clot, so I had to go on blood thinners, which was an injection to the side of my stomach daily.  Again, Tad learned how to do this, as there was no possible way I'd be sticking a needle in my own stomach!  After getting the PICC in the hospital made me up a bag of TPN (total parenteral nutrition).  They got me hooked up to it right before I went to bed, and that turned out to be a very long night.  No one had taken out my IV, so I was getting IV fluid and TPN all at once.  I would have to go to the bathroom SO bad about every 20 minutes.  So Tad would drift off to sleep and I'd have to wake him up to take me to the bathroom.  It was awful, but then a nurse figured out that I didn't need both, so I got off the IV fluid.  We had to stay in the hospital until the next night, because Tad had to learn how to change my bag and take care of my lines.  They also came out to our house once to walk him through it.  It was a complicated process and it was important that he did it correctly, but the nurses were very impressed with him :)  Below are some pictures of the PICC  - another time I will post pictures of Tad caring for it.  sorry this was a long entry! 








This was in my room, since I was on pediatrics, they gave me a beanie baby dog :)




not a very attractive picture, but the purple line on the right shows where the tube stopped inside of me and you can see the PICC - here I am attached to the TPN, but the other one was free.





Mother's Day

Well to be honest, mother's day is a very difficult day for me.  Not following along with our history here, but I thought I'd take a few minutes to talk about being a mother without a child.  Today was an ok day - I don't believe that 'time heals all wounds' but time definitely makes things a little duller of a pain.  Last year I asked Tad to not do anything for mother's day, I didn't want to think about it.  At that point I was only a few days away from my due date, and was already having a really rough time.  So last year Tad let me decide how I wanted to spend the day.  I don't remember a whole lot of the day, except that we went to the hospital.  When we were in the hospital having the baby (I'm sure I'll talk about it more in a later entry) they were amazing to us.  One of the things that they have is called the Wall of Miracles - if you have a live baby, you are able to put a plaque on the wall with their name birthdate and footprint, for I think a $50 donation.  If you have a baby die, they give you a plaque for free.  All the babies plaques are intermixed, you can see some families' histories on the wall.  So we went to see Gabriel's plaque last year - below I will add some pictures of it.  We didn't have him buried, so it is probably the closest thing to visiting his grave that we have.  We go there whenever, but mainly we've gone on important days so far.  His due date, mother's day, father's day, his birthday, and when we've had family in town.  So this year, we again had a relaxing day, this morning we stayed around home, I got some sun (a little too much actually) and didn't do much.  This afternoon we went over and visited Gabriel's plaque.  He had a new 'neighbor' plaque since the last time we'd been there.  It was another baby that had died.  To see how many babies are up there each year that don't make it seems so impossible.  We often feel so alone in our pain, but really there must be people everywhere going through the same thing.  Afterwards we went for a long walk, then a nice Sunday drive, and out for dinner.    I know that some people do not see me as a mother, because I don't have a child here, but I am absolutely a mother.  I have not had to stay up nights with a crying infant, but I was awake nights throwing up all night.  I haven't had to choose a day care, or how to parent, but I did have to choose to be poked and proded daily in order to keep my son as safe as possible.  I look forward to future mother's days where I can hold a child in my arms, but I will never forget my first child.  I may not look like a mother to an outsider, but I have known the wonder and amazement of holding a child in my arms that my body had been able to form - which is truly a miracle.  To all of you moms out there, I hope you had a wonderful day.



Gabriel's plaque - we have a matcing one at home.