grief

Following the birth of Gabriel - I was encouraged by my doctor to allow myself to grieve, and I really did that.  It was such a difficult time.  I really thought that it would be a joyful day when I could return my medicine pumps, a joyful day when I first didn't throw up, and a joyful day when I could eat.  Unfortunately those things only caused more sadness.  I was finally starting to feel better, but only at the expense of my son.  We were really surrounded with love from so many, which was our only comfort.  I had a doctor's appt a few days later to see how I was doing.  My doctor really didn't talk much to me, but asked Tad and my mom a lot about my mental state - whether or not I wanted to hurt myself or anyone else.  She also realized that I had an infection starting in my PICC site, so I would have it out sooner rather than later.  During all of this my doctor and the social worker at the hospital told me a lot to not blame myself, which I really didn't (and wouldn't until a while later) I knew that I was getting all the help I could from my doctors, and I was doing everything I could - so I didn't feel like I had done anything that had caused him to die.  Our pastor came over to our house and talked to us about blaming God - which we didn't do either.  I feel that God knew that he would die, but wouldn't cause such pain to anyone.  It was a confusing time, I really didn't know what to think or do.  I did allow my grief however it came though.  I cried a lot, I did a ton of research in the following weeks since I was finally well enough to get on the computer.  I read about miscarrying late in a pregnancy, I read a TON about hyperemesis, and I read a lot about future pregnancies.  It helped to read other women's accounts, it was hard, but I felt less alone.  One thing that I was very surprised by was how much people pushed me to get medicinal help.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with anti-depressants, but there is also nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel very real pain.  I was just shocked at how many people, doctors and friends a like that seemed so quick to try to numb the pain.  It sucked to go through, but I didn't feel any need to try to cover up my feelings, or try to make myself feel better.  I felt that it was better to allow myself to just feel then as it was happening than try to suppress it.  I talked to Tad about it and we decided that if I was still feeling just as awful in 6 months, we would revisit the subject.  I feel like it is hard to describe how I felt.  The best way I feel that I can is a stupid example, but that is ok. (non Harry Potter fans - you will probably have to ignore this) I felt that I was like Voldemort and my soul and been split and a part of it died with Gabriel.  I feel like people were expecting me to get 'back to normal'  but there is a new normal now, I will forever be apart from my son in this lifetime, so I will never be whole again.  and that is ok.  I am used to the new me now - new me isn't so bad most days, more calm, more patient, sadder, but I think I will appreciate motherhood more than I would have.  Below are some pictures that I haven't added yet.  These are pictures that my mom took of Tad changing my TPN one night.  If anyone needs a good nurse, I can recommend one.

My daily injection of blood thinners - not my favorite time of day

icing my belly for the shot.  it is kind of a gross picture because you can see all of the hair that grew on my belly.  I was afraid that it wouldn't go away, but it did.

pinching my stomach so that it would hurt less

can't believe that I had to get used to that.

Tad disinfecting the bathroom to get my TPN ready

this was how I took my prenatal vitamins.  I am told they were very hard to get out of the little jars, but I never tried it myself

injecting the vitamins into my bag of 'food'

getting the tubing ready

running the TPN through the tubing so that it didn't send any air bubbles into me

switching out the bags.  One bag lasted 24 hours, so it had to be done at the same time every day. 

these next few are pretty unattractive, but I can't tell you how much I didn't care at the time.  this was getting my line flushed.  it was pretty gross - Tad sent saline through and it tasted like disinfectant in my mouth each time.  In this picture I was already disconnected from my medication, so you can see my other lumen where it was hooked up.  Also my bandage in these pictures is strange because i had a yeast infection developing in my arm.

getting all hooked up, and still spitting.  that was another thing that I wasn't sure would ever go away, but now I only spit in the mornings.  The rest of the day I can stay pretty normal.